Day 99/100: speaking my truth and staying connected to what fulfills me, I feel closer to clarity

Yesterday I took an hour to have a heart-to-heart talk with my supervisor – I wanted her to understand what I was going through, the choices in front of me, and my thoughts and concerns… there was no firm outcomes, and the ball remained in my court.

And I gained a bit more clarity, a bit more perspective of what needs to happen next: I just stay connected to what fucking fulfills me at this moment. I keep doing what is meaningful, and the path ahead forges itself for me.

Passion = Meaning + Progress (unknown)

There is both meaning and progress in the work that I am doing now; being able to serve nonprofits towards greater effectiveness and sustainability. Being a partner of good.

I don’t yet know what I don’t, but i do know all this. For now, this is more than good enough. And for this, I am grateful.

Tomorrow we are day 100..!!

Awareness Question: what does clarity look like?

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Day 98/100: recovering from gastric flu and juggling with the dilemma, I feel procrastinative and unfocused and unable to decide

The warm glow of dusk, against the steely grey backdrop of concrete skyscrapers – a complementary contrast; a reminder to stay present, to witness, and be in gratitude and reverence of Life unfolding.

The weekend and yesterday was spent in recovery mode: I was struck by a bout of gastric flu on saturday, and that lasted through til monday. I am much better now, and am definitely on the uproad.

There was probably an effect of psychosomatic sickness from this – the stresses of having to decide what I should do with my happy problem of choosing between two routes. Its really a dilemma, and a crossroads which I’m at. 

“There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads, afraid, confused, and without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our lives.” (Unknown)

How then do you really choose? 

By a blend of logic and affect – the strength of analysis and the leadership of the heart. And then with faith the size of a mustard seed, I will move mountains (and make a difference!).

Awareness Question: what is really important to me, right now?

Day 97/100: hanging out with office friends over drinks and snacks, I feel ready to relax the weekend

The night was long and full of laughter and chatting… it was great to chill out with friends in the office after an interesting week at work 😉

And wine o’clock is back with a vengeance!! We had also whisky, cheese, crisps, and #smoltok cards – it was a laugh to play the game, and get to know each other at a deeper level… kudos to meaningful conversations!

A conversation is so much more than words: a conversation is eyes, smiles, the silences between the words. (Annika Thor)

Still a need to keep processing my emotions and stuff from the ’emplacement saga’. This will be fodder for the weekend, for me to get emotional clarity and perspective and learning…

Awareness Question: what is coming up, that is preventing me from letting go of this story? What can come up, to help me let go of this story?

Day 96/100: realising the difference between an emplacement and a promotion, I feel angry, pissed off, and disappointed

What a fucking bummer. Who knew there was an actual emplacement policy for HR? I only knew moving staff from a grade to the next were promotions… sigh!

Anger and frustration rose to the surface. Bubbles of rage. Blanketing over a simmering pot of disappointment, sadness, and grief.

We are human.

Our pain, our glory, our achievements and disappointments, our anguish, our dreams and aspirations, our joy and our sadness – they tell the story of us. And they matter. Because we matter.

Realising again that my emotionality is both a strength and a crutch – being able to feel so much more has enabled me to potentially get hijacked and blinded by my emotions. 

Breathe. I am still here. Life is still here. And letting the spun story go…

Awareness Question: who are you, if you knew you are not the story?

Day 95/100: facilitating my first kickoff, I feel capable, confident, and accomplished.

And the sky displayed a beautiful display – dance of the clouds – to celebrate the end of a great workday. I was able to connect with two new arts groups and facilitated their kickoff briefing.

Awesome. Felt a sense of achievement and accomplishment – and allowing this to roll forward into the upcoming major kickoff session this coming monday with the remaining 8 groups.

Allow your failures to create learning, and allow your successes to create momentum.

And also had a good follow-up conversation with my intern after that to lock in his learning. Also to plan forward for a chat so that I can chart his continued contribution and growth with us. I am gaining a better understanding of what it means to be a supervisor, and a leader.

Today also saw the arrival of another development worth celebrating: I am getting offered the position I had explored. It is a big step up, and it scares me. And yet, there is also lots to do in my current position that i’m so grateful for. 

Dilemma dilemma dilemma. How do people choose? How can I choose?

Awareness Question: what is the best path forward?

Day 94/100: bouncing back and hearing great news worth celebrating, I feel happy and yet in a dilemma

Today I feel much better than I felt yesterday: I was able to better tap into my inner motivation, inspiration, and flow. It does seem to be true that your internal reality affects how you experience the outside world.

And we had lunch at the Supreme Court (see pic above). It’s gorgeous, the sense of spaciousness, of justice, and of authority. I could feel my being expand and liberate! Very interesting 🙂

Love yourself. Love where you are. Love what you do. Love who you’re with. Love your life.

Then watch everything transform.

I also received a ‘wicked’ whatsapp text from my boss: I have received a promotion! Wow. Blown away. Gratitude and happiness and celebration. Glad to be appreciated and valued by the team.

And then comes the dilemma: do I continue to stay, or do I look to go (when the opportunity presents itself)? Pluses and deltas, either way.

But leaving the dilemma til when I need to make the decision, for now, I get to celebrate!

Awareness Question: how are you celebrating your progress and achievements in Life?

Day 93/100: not sure how or where monday went, I feel somewhat lost and moody and demotivated

Not sure what actually happened today, I found myself doing a couple of stuff at work and yet there was this sense of feeling stuck in my head and feeling tired and bleah.

Unsure how or why I’m feeling like that, and thinking like I need to kick my ass back onto the path and keep walking.

Monday: a mysterious day that comes and goes, what it does, nobody knows.

Think I will map out everything that needs to be done, everything that I want to do, so that I gain a little clarity over what needs to be done now; shifting a little fog away from what this currently is.

Awareness Question: what is this really about?

Day 92/100: experiencing a night of insomnia, reconnecting with a tech workgroup, and then spending the day with my bestie, I feel exhausted but glad.

Yesterday evening was a crap one: insomnia. I struggled with sleep for a good 3 hours, and barely clocked 4 hours of rest before heading out for an entire day. It left me feeling exhausted (physical, psychological, both?)

Made it for a catch up with the ST team, and we all brought up to speed on the current and future developments. Very interesting and very promising – time for me to start being a bit more diligent in creating value for the team.

To ponder: how are we creating a solution that empowers employees, meets their needs, and speaks to their core values? How are we shape our narrative? What needs to change? What needs to be added, dropped, modified?

The organisation is, above all, social. It is people. (Peter Drucker)

More thoughts, and yes – amidst all the insomnia and mind racing – I realised I need to put together a landing site of sorts for myself. So that I can start to share my story, shape my service to others, and step out.

Scary, and exciting at the same time. Stay tuned!

Awareness Question: how can I share my story, so that I can continue to inspire others?

Day 91/100: taking an easy saturday just chilling out and resting, I feel more recovered

Yesterday was a chillax day – sleeping in and rising late, having a slow lunch, and then spending the evening with my family.

Quality restful saturday where I didn’t need to be anywhere, and didn’t need to do anything. It did feel weird though, having to drop all my schedules and everything, to just hang out with my family.

Family is who remains behind and supports you, when everyone else is gone.

So there was a sense of freedom: of being able to just relax and be.

Awareness Question: how can I design more such be-ing times in my life?

Day 90/100: a housewarming evening at Joey’s, I feel full of food and drink and fun and laughter

It was an awesome friday 😀

Although I was running on 3 hours of sleep, I was still able to show up rather fully to work and get a couple of things done. And a great meeting in the morning to kick me off 🙂 enjoyed getting acquainted with new potential clients, and understanding their needs.

The evening was spent in the company of friends and coworkers: people who matter at work. We laughed, we ate, we drank, we ate again, we laughed again. It was great fun warming joey’s new nest.

And yes, the rare sunset we witnessed and experienced was a rainbow display of colours – there is so much magnificence around us, when we pause to observe.

Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud. (Maya Angelou)

To be able to share the evening with them, was such a blessing and such fun. Who says we can’t have fun with coworkers? 😉

And two long evenings in a row has left me tired… going to recharge and rest and rejuvenate

Awareness Question: how are you being a rainbow, or a rare sunset to the people around you?